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Funniest Craigslist Advertisement Ever... - Sick And Twisted Sadistic Satire

Apr. 10th, 2011

05:06 pm - Funniest Craigslist Advertisement Ever...

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To The Dude(s) Banging My Wife (a-town)

I know, I know... it’s a sweet piece ain’t it. That thing she does with her tongue.... OMG (you’re welcome... I taught her that) Hell, I’d be hitting that right now if a trip to Prov last year didn’t change all that. Luckily a shot in the butt and a few pills took care of it, but from what I know now... I could have been much worse. I’d kick her to the curve in a second, but she really is a good Mom. I know I'm gone a lot, but a guy has to work. She knew before we got married I'd be gone two weeks every month, and she sure doesn't complain about the paycheck.

I just have a few favors, common courtesy if you will, AND a little advise. I’m not sure if you’re that APD cruiser guy that’s comes by or the airman or from what my neighbor lady tells me any number of guys, but:

1. Please trim, shave, wax, “manscape” or whatever it takes. Those short red/black/brown curlies I keep finding are creeping me out, and I’m getting sick of boiling my sheets every time I get home from the slope

2. Learn to put the seat down and clean up your bad aim. I’m the only guy that lives here, and isn’t me.

3. Stop messing with my Xbox. I don’t get to play it often, but when I do, don’t want to see your score up there.... Yes, “you the man” at Black Ops, and i obviously am not. If her box isn’t enough for you. Shovel the driveway or fix the sink downstairs. I’m not much of a plumber. Maybe one of you are. Thanks in advance.

4. Stop using my lube. It’s my personal JO supply. It’s not expensive, but it is mine. Next time if find some missing there will be some cayenne in there for both your enjoyment. Yah, I guess you could say I’m a bit bitter

5. Learn how to reset the browser history on the computer. I’m not into shemales or transexuals, perhaps my wife is now, but I seriously doubt it.

6. Please do not knock her up. I do not want to raise your child. I’ve had a vasectomy and I know she says she’s on the pill....”just to regulate her cycle” Believe me. if you wrap it up, you’ll be much safer.

Check the medicine cabinet, or her purse. You’ll find a rx for Valtrex from Carrs. I checked the dosages, it’s not for “cold sores” I’m no doctor but you don’t take 1000mg every day for that. One of you guys gave her the gift that keeps on giving. Luckily I’m clean. I really am a nice guy, and wouldn’t even wish that on Joe Miller. Just in case I bought a box of Magnums and put them in the night stand. (if I know her. You’ll probably need that size)

One of you guys with sausage fingers left a gold band.. I’m guessing you’re looking for it. Next time you come over, bring a bottle of Jager and a case of Corona and i’ll tell you where it is.


PS: This has been on my facebook for quite some time but
just incase you missed seeing it there here it is again!